Sunday, 26 May 2013

Consoles, consoles everywhere...

Hello there!

The next pair of important console combatants have been revealed recently, destined to divide rabid, swearing children suffering from terminal brand-loyalty into two grand armies of bickering. People genuinely old enough to know better will proclaim 'x' console as the best due to 'y' technological reason, ignorant of the fact that NOTHING SHALL EVER MATCH THE MIGHT OF THE PC.

Gaming types across the globe are currently scouring the internet, using their eyes, for 'XboxOne vs PS4 tech spec comparison', and then reading the guff assembled by aforementioned partisan nutters! I actually throw my head back in my luxurious armchair, swirl my booze in my brandy glass and scream with insane laughter, with my eyes rolling back in my head as I struggle to breathe! Priceless!

So, because I am both brilliant AND benevolent, I shall present to you the real, 100% true breakdown of both new console offerings. I know, I'm a friend and a neighbour! So here goes:

PlayStation4 (PS4):

The PlayStation 4 console.

PS4 technical specifications:

Amount of memories used by games: 71

Number of RAM's: 200? 300? Who knows?

Weight including disc and joypads: 40 kgs

Speed of processor: 12.2kph (rising to 12.4kph if playing online against a Frenchman)

Number of animals hurt in the production of each console: 3 seagulls

Number of feeling smug about not owning the other console generators: 3

Hidden on-board government listening devices: 2

Summary: The PS4 is aimed at age 30+ intellectual, espresso-sipping architects, has some exclusive games, has controllers....lots of other usual baloney.


The XboxOne console.

XboxOne technical specifications

Graphical cards: 10 IBM x86 1066 socket 775 RealTek X1800's

Wipe-clean surfaces: Fully dishwashable

Number of RAM's: Look, this keeps coming up so it must be important, so let's go for 9999999

Swear thesaurus: Included at launch if Xbox Live Unobtanium membership purchased

Number of elderly relatives confused by actual function: Millions

Sound capabilities: Bangin' sick tunez bruv innit

Size of controller: Medium dining table with chairs

Summary: The XboxOne is aimed at swearing 10yr olds threatening to beat you to death for daring to interrupt their YouTube rehearsal or some such. It has some games, some this, some that.


They're the same thing really, man. Who cares. Just follow your brand loyalty, you know you will!

Despite looking and being named differently, modern consoles are pretty damn similar. I'm not an all-knowing computational genius but I am willing to predict the gap will be pretty small between them both. There will not be the 'crushing, company-ending defeats' being predicted by over-excited forumites across the internet!

And as for the perceived 'type' of player commonly associated with each console? Nope. Roughly the  same people on either side, playing roughly the same game, with the same insecure, nagging doubt about the choice they made. And on and on it goes, stretching off into gaming infinity, like a huge, world-record attempt sausage.

The games will be the same as they are now, with even more irritating social network intrusion. They will look better, or course, but mind-blows just don't happen anymore, Sister.

Except on PC, of course. But who plays on those? No-one! Too complicated & expensive!

GL & HF!

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