I haven't written anything lately because...well, I have no excuse except good, old fashioned laziness.
So, allow me to compensate you with some of the most moving, brilliant, inspired and creative writing you will ever see in a gaming blog read by about forty people! I guarantee delight!
This week I want your thoughts on something quite unusual. I want you to help me decide if I have inadvertently become something terrible. I want you to consider the scant evidence I am about to place limply before you, like exhibits in a particularly tedious fly-tipping court case, and promptly form an opinion which will either condemn or exonerate me. Yes, I am at your mercy, Sir.
The accusation that has been levelled at me is...am I a negatively-minded gamer?
A negatively-minded gamer. I know right now you're thinking 'What the hell? I was expecting something serious, something with some intellectual content to sink my metaphorical teeth into, and instead I get THIS?!?', but being branded with this filth has wounded me, friend.
Right, into it. A few nights ago I was enjoying some CS:GO with a pal of mine, and as we played we discussed general blah blah about various. If you have read this electronic leaflet before, you will be aware that I despise people discussing cauliflowers, ladders, foreheads etc. over the in-game voice chat while the game is 'in play', as you cannot hear a bloody thing as their reedy, faux-jaded voices mask every single useful audible clue to the enemies whereabouts.
These voices belong to either high-pitched squeakers boasting of their hip-hop sexual prowess, or morose students claiming everything is boring in a flat, monotone drone regularly punctuated with derisive snorts. Both types are unaware of how agonisingly, crushingly generic they are. Scum!
As my chum and I continued, obviously we encountered lots of these types and I moaned and bitched accordingly, like one of those guests in the audience of 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' that sits there gently shaking their head and pulling a face, as if they are faaaaaar too good to even be there.
Then we set about discussing the upcoming releases, was I interested or intrigued by any, to which I responded with an assortment of huffs, puffs and blowing his optimistic house down.
Or, in actual language, I said no, not really, as the same irritating kids will infest all the upcoming titles with their rubbish attitude to team objectives and their gleeful on-mic revelations about how they noisily pleasured my Mother the night before 'Ya get me bruv innit batty boi sick'.
I recounted my mixed experiences with the Battlefield franchise, how I was constantly driven insane with disbelief as one of my 'team' sprinted to the armoured personnel carrier and drove away at speed, leaving several out-of-breath comrades chasing breathlessly after him like a gang of obese cheetahs pursuing an athletic wildebeest. Or something.
And if you did manage to get to the drivers seat first, and if you did manage to stealthily trundle unnoticed along one of the few flanking routes, your cover would be blown as one of the cocks in your squad would decide to 'test the guns' mounted on the vehicle, thus instantly revealing you to every RPG-toting/C4 explosive wielding baddie in the area.
Then he quizzed me on my views of the Steam OS and the Steam PC/console hybrid thingies that are en route, and again, I blew out my cheeks and released a sigh. Nah, not bothered about them. Early adopters can give the feedback and publicise the bugs, I'll ignore it all until then I grumped.
I think this the point where I was labelled a negative gamer. Me!?
I instantly mute everyone, I always think the worst of other players, I refuse to diversify with my gaming tastes, I only trust Valve...these are a few of the things he accused me of, but the most cutting of them was how I am rigid in my prejudices of games and gamers. I choose something, then discard and mentally discredit the rest, like some sort of entertainment butcher, herding other people and their preferences into the slaughterhouse to be anally electrocuted and turned into a sandwich. Yum!*
To him, at that particular point in the evening, the following image is me:
|"Consoles? You mean those devices they use to distract poor children from their hunger?"|
So there you have it. In my defence, I have been playing games for a long time, and in that time I have made lots of virtual friends within one game or another.
But of late...I don't know if it's just because I'm at the upper end of gaming demographics or what, but I tend to apply the standards I expect from other gamers to my own behaviour. I don't subject other players to a deafening commentary whilst I do my thing, I don't feel I have to spam the chatbox with bait to get some kind of furious I-want-to-find-you-and-stab-you reaction from the person that just killed me, and I usually attempt to put a bit of effort into teamwork using the in-game communication tools provided. Credit to team, no?
Or am I missing out on some hidden fun? Should I throw my babble onto the enormous pile found in online gaming? Should I try to organise a knife fight in a pub car-park with the next gentleman that beheads me with an AWP? All these things are easily achievable!
So do I seem negative? Or am I exactly where I should be with my attitude?
Your verdict matters. Or not. You can decide. Or not! I could do this forever.
Anyway, many thanks for reading as usual, and apologies to the people that have been visiting only to find I have been absent. I am a horrible person and you deserve better. Ridiculous!
Come to think of it , there's enough stuff in the archive for you to read if you're that bothered, don't pretend you already have, the NUMBERS DON'T LIE. I know you haven't. You think I enjoy this?
Next Sunday: Something shocking, a true exclusive! Honest!
GL & HF! (unless you're negative like me)
*'Yum' for the sandwich, not the.....oh, you got it. Good.